working hard or hardly working? perspective...

Some times I fell like Jana and Thearon don't understand who hard it is to do the things I've been doing, it seams like they don't appreciate how tiring it is to do the tings I do, one day I spent 5 hours on my resume, and it still wasn't done, I had a head ache from staring at a computer screen for that long, I hurt all over from sitting in an uncomfortable chair for so long, and when I got home all I wanted to do was sit down with my baby and relax for 10 min minimum, more if at all possible, after dinner I was promptly told to do the dishes and sweep and mop the floor, I did it but I was not happy about it at all, because it hurt me even more, I understand that I do need to help with house work, and I do what I can when I can I usually do things on the weekend, but Jana comes home and complains about how tired she is, and then does not help with the house work because she is to tired and she just wants to relax, and I understand that want, but its like they don't understand that I work just as hard every day and when I get home I would like to do the same thing, it is very hard for me to not want to yell at them when they asked me to do something that is, in my mind, not my responsibility to do, like cleaning up their dishes, after dinner. I'm becoming tired of this place, and I would like to get on my plane to Kansas, the sooner the better, its becoming more and more tiring, I cant wait to have my own place, even when I'm in job corps, I'll have my own space that I can relax if I want to, I can't wait until I get out of here.              

working hard on working hard

About a week ago I started to do a class called Work Success, I spend 40 hours a week doing things for it I spend 32 hours a week in the class and the other 8 hours doing at home things. I am learning a lot of new stuff and although one might think that learning how to get a job would be easy, its really not! yesterday I spent 5 hours working on my resume,  and it was draining, and very hard, you have to word it just right, and really concentrate on specific things for different company's its very complicated, and interesting at the same time. Its been hard dealing with however because Jana gets very up set about having to take me into town every day she says "it's losing me work" although I don't see how, it actually gives her the opportunity to to do more clients in a day, I'm also paying her $200.00 a month for rent and gas, as well as my food stamps, but I'm also expected to help get things for the house, such as paper towels and such, almost as though she doesn't realize that I have to get somethings for me and Dani, I understand that she has been providing for us for a while, but if I spend all my money on thing like paper towels then I'm going to have to ask her to get more important things like diapers, or shampoo for me, and things like that. I feel guilty spending the money I've worked so hard to earn, and that's not right!  sometimes I feel over whelmed, but thanks to the class I'm beginning to be able to help my self through that which is nice.             

Harder and Harder...

The last few days have been difficult for me to not snap at the people around me. We have all been sick the past little bit, and we have all been grumpy, but that is not the main reason for my unspoken bitchiness. Jana and Thearon have spent the last few weeks (since Christmas) trying to convert me back to Mormonism, they keep saying things like "I don't think you have really done the research into other religions" meaning their religion and "if you really follow your heart I think you will find that the Mormon church really is the right choice for you" my problem is that I have done a lot of research and I have listened to my heart and followed it to the pagan path, I don't think they understand what I believe, I don't think they realize that I believe that ALL religions have some truth to them but the truth is misinterpreted and blurred by some rather good story telling, and I don't think they will ever truly understand. another thing is that they know EVERYTHING, they are both amazing cooks which is not true, they are average cooks, they know how to make some good thing but they don't really know everything they could know, they know the proper pronunciation for every word known to man(for instance watching the Tourist and they went to the Gala De Lorentes in the movie they pronounce it ga-la, they quickly informed me that it is actually pronounced g-A-la when in fact if you look it up online it is said to be pronounced ga-la,they know all movies references,actors, and names, they know the best way to shop which is not actually true, they know some things but really they spend a lot more money than they should,it doesn't help that Thearon will say "no I can't think of anything to add to the shopping list" then while shopping adds over $100.00 worth of groceries to the cart that were not calculated into my list and their for making my budget off, and they think that I don't know anything, they are always asking me thing like "how do you play a CD in the DVD player?" which is the same way you play a DVD but you don't need the TV on...but i think the thing that upsets me the most is they they are best parents in the world and everything any one does that is not their way is the wrong way...meaning I am a horrible parent because I have a VERY different parenting style. Jana is also telling me "You should listen to Thearon because I've learned a lot form him." although most of the time he tries to teach me anything either I already know it or hes actually wrong. I'm having a hard time not snapping at them every time they open their mouths and it makes it VERY hard to live with them, it wasn't as bad while he was over seas but now that hes home, it's become very difficult for me, Half the time I'm reluctant to ask if I can take Beth for a weekend because its an extra person, and shes very energetic and it is a little more stressful for me to have her around, I love having her but it is more stressful, and I'm worried that Thearon will have a come apart with her around, hes having a hard enough time having me and Dani around and Beth can be a bit much sometimes, it makes me feel like a bad mother because I'm practically having to neglect my daughter to make Thearon more comfortable. I wish I didn't have to worry about making other people happy, some day I'll have my own place and I'll be able to do what ever I want and not have to worry about making people I live with happy...I can't wait for MY life to start.            

A LOOOONG 2 Months, welcome running out?

Five months ago I asked my cousin if I could stay with her for about 2-3 months while I waited for my Job corps application to go through, she of course was more than happy to have me, she is always ready to take some one in if they need it she has always been a motherly figure for many people, It's been 5 months now and my application is still being reviewed, it was only sent to the proper office a few weeks ago, and even though I've been fighting for Cash assistance for 3 months now, we are just now starting to see some progress with that! Everything is taking longer than I was told it would take, and I'm not happy with it at all, in the 5 months Danica and I have been here the only way we have been able to help is with cleaning and food, the problem now is Thearon is home, and every time I go to do something that I would normally do, like the dishes, he's already done it, so now how do I help?  I feel like now I'm not able to do anything right, in this house, from not helping out enough, to not having the right religion(they have been secretly trying to convert me back to the Mormon church, but its not gonna happen) sometimes, like today, I feel that our welcome has run up, and that we need to get out of this place ASAP, it makes me sad that I've felt this way a lot in the past 3 years, moving from one place to the next having trouble getting a job, and having to rely on other people to get me things for my kids, like diapers, and sometimes even food, and every time I feel it, the thing that no one will actually tell me, but I can feel it, I can feel that feeling I can tell they want me out, doing my own thing, and whats worst is that I try, and I can't find a job and get out of this stupid rut I've been in, it doesn't help that I have to limit my job searches to places within walking distance, because the state of Utah makes it almost impossible for people out of high school to get their license, and its even worse if your a single parent!!!    when I get that feeling I usually start trying to find a new place to "migrate" to, but this time its different, because I have Danica, and I cant just pick up and leave, I have to wait for some sort of news from job corps. I'm scared that they are going to say no, I'm absolutely terrified about what I'll do if they say no, I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do I'll be stuck, and even worse my kid will be stuck with me, its not fair to her to be stuck with me she deserves some one who is moving on, and doing something, I'm scared, my time is running up, and I don't know what to do, I just need some help, and I don't know what kind of help, or where/who to ask it from...I fear I'm almost out of bridges.