Failure

My hole life I've felt like every one has told me I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I've always been told I'm going to fail, and the worst part is I believe it so I do fail. I still tell my self at least once a day that I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I'm always setting my self up for failure. Today I kept telling my self that I was a bad mother because I can't handle both of my own kids for much more than a few days, I gave up my oldest child not because it was what was best for her, but because I didn't want the responsibility, and maybe it was what was best for her, I'm still not sure, all I know is that I've told every one it was a selfless act because that's what I wanted it to be, but in reality it wasn't I moved to Washington because I was running away from everything I didn't want to deal with I thought I was running away from all my problems and all the "cedar city"  drama, but I've realized that drama is every where, and problems just follow you where ever you go and now, while I'm grateful for the experience and the knowledge that i got from that, I am also ashamed of my self, sometimes I regret keeping Elyssabeth, Sometimes I wish I had adopted her to some one who wanted her and could have taken care of her better, and when I think that I wonder what other people, what my family, would think if I told any of them this? would they tell me its normal and every one feels like that sometimes, or would they shun me for it, or would they forget I ever even said it and move on? I think the late would hurt the most because then who knows what they would be thinking about me, they already are disappointed because I'm a smoker, and because I've had 2 children out of wedlock and I'm still having coitus with someone I'm not married to, none of them say it but i know they all think it, and it hurts to see it in their eyes whats worse is the hypocritical ones of the bunch who are disappointed because they did it at one point in time too!  Every time I make plans for my life any more I almost immediately start doubting it and making fun of it because "I'm a failure", I actually have a really good idea for an energy smoothie, an all natural organic energy drink, that gives you the energy boost from the vitamins and minerals that are good for your body rather than the caffeine and sugar, if you really think about it it is an amassing idea! and when I came up with this idea everyone around me started telling me why it would never work, but why shouldn't it work? I could probably figure it out now with some research and hard work, and my chances of creating one successful enough to market on increases after I get through schooling, but because I'm morgan I can't possibly do it, I'll ruin it, or something like that, because the people who should believe in me don't, it hurts a lot when they say "no just do it the easy way because we don't want you to ruin it"  at very least they could say "you can try it but have the easy way as a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out" that wouldn't hurt nearly as bad...like with the pumpkin pie I offered to make this year for thanks giving, I found a rather easy looking step by step instructions with pictures on how to make one from scratch with an actual pumpkin, and every one said "just do it from the can so you don't ruin it" I don't think any of them realized how much that hurt me it makes me feel like that have absolutely no faith in me it makes me wonder why I'm even trying to go to school? in the time I've been backing I've only ruined something 2 times, the first time was because I simply forgot to oil and flour the pan and the other time, had some one else helping and she kept adding random things mostly more flour because "It didn't look right", and instead of saying "lets just go by the recipe" I said "ok" and sense then I haven't heard the end of it, its been almost a year now and my mom still brings it up any time I bake something...I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she doesn't realize it, but it really really hurts and while I have no problem telling someone when something pisses me off, I have a really hard time telling them it hurts me, I don't know why but I do.      

Childhood

I don't remember a lot of my childhood, some of my earliest memories involve abuse, and yelling, and crying, and a lot of fear, that's what i remember the most is the fear. I remember sitting in a corner with my baby sister while my step father beat my mother in the next room, I remember I invented a special place for us to go when that happened, it was a big field with flowers every where, a small stream with the bluest water you've ever seen, and a big weeping willow where we would sit and have a pick-nick with our Grandpa and every thing was perfect. Some times I still go back to that place and for that moment when I'm their everything is right with the world, and for that moment I'm free, and I'm truly happy. Then that moment is gone and I have to deal with life again. I want to enjoy my life I want to be happy and free like I am in my special place but I know that it is unlikely to ever happen.   

Why...

I'm starting this blog because my therapist wants me to wright in a journal, but writing hurts so I've started to do this blog instead, this is my personal experiences, it is emotional, and deep, I'm not doing this for every one to look at and judge, I'm not worried about what people think about this blog or what I say in it, I'm not interested in a bunch of suggestions, or any of that. This is to help me try to unlock blocked memories and try to "fix" my problems.