Hurry Up & Wait

I've been rather anxious the last few days, Kansas finally got my Job corps application they have it filed and it is in the review process and I should know something by the first week of January, I'm so excited about it! I hate waiting though, I know that it is a vital part of life, some one is always waiting for something, but that doesn't make it any easier, I've never been really good at waiting, especially when what I'm waiting for is something that could be good, I'm ready to be done waiting, I'm ready to be doing something with my life. I feel that I've waited long enough for something like this to happen, and I want to get on a plane for Kansas so that I can start my training! I am glad that I get to spend one more Yule/ Christmas with my friends and family before I go, but I am tired of waiting for it, I'm ready to do something with my life! Something, I hope, Amazing! I can feel in my soul that big things are about to happen for me, and I believe that I am ready for them to happen!  

Changes, My hopes & My Fears

Every one always says their is nothing to fear about change, it is a good thing, and you should embrace change.  But I think that every one says that because they do fear change, change in the world, change in their country, change in their town, change in the people around them, change in their close frineds, and mostly they are afraid of change in them selves, I know I am, I'm torn though because I'm scared that if I change to much my friends and family might not "know" or "like"me ( I put these in quotations because my Friends and family will always know and like me, I'm scared that if I change to much they wont know and like me as much (or in the same way) as they like and know me now), at the same time I'm scared that if I dont change enough then I wont be able to accomplish the things I want to do with my life, so as part of my therpy, and for helping me with my fears I'm going to put in words the person I want to become in the next few years and I hope that it will help me change just the right amount :D

I want to provide the life for my kids that I never had, my mother was a wonderful person, but we were always moving, and I remember way to may nights watching or hearing my mother cry over bills I spent most of my child hood worrying about weather or not we were going to have food or power, or even a home when I got out of school, I think maybe that's why I didn't do so well in school. I want my kids to not have to worry about any of those things, I want to be able to succeed in my career of choice, I want to be confident, I want to be happy with who I am, I want to be able to buy a home that I don't have to be worried if I'm going to be kicked out of, more importantly I don't want my kids to have a "packing plan" like I did most of my life, I always knew how to pack my room and was always ready to do so, so that when mom told us that we were moving I could have my room packed quick enough to help mom do the rest of the house, it was fun in a way moving from place to place, but having to get a new home every 6 months to a year maybe longer if we were lucky and knowing that no matter how much we liked the place that eventually we would have to move to some where else, its rather saddening when you think about it, it may be why I have a problem with stability, could be part of the reason why I don't like to through things away or let things go, because my things were always what made me feel comfortable and safe, my porcelain dolls my most praised possessions, partly because they are from my grandpa who passed away some years ago, but mostly because they have been the most constant thing in my life sense the first day I got my first doll, and I still have them all, except one my angle...not a clue what happened to her both me and my sister had angles, one of them was a tree topper, the other was either just a doll, or some sort of ornament, either way my angle is gone, but I still have all my dolls, I'd like my children to be able to have a room of their own that they can do ANYTHING they want to it and I wont have to worry about it to much, I don't want my kids to have to worry about me and my financials like I worried about my mom and her financial situation, I still worry about my moms financial situation, shes got an amazing opportunity, and I'm scared that she is going to miss out on it because(I believe) shes scared, it would involve her moving to St. George area, but its an amazing job, and if she got it she might be able to BUY a low income house, it would be an amazing opportunity for her, if she would only jump a little faster. I want to become the person that Brian sees every time he looks at me, I can see that person, but I cant quite touch her, and I know that I've got some changing to do to be that, strong, independent, motivated, successful, amazing person, that my wonderful Brian sees in me, I want that girl to shine for every one to see, and I hope that some day I can be that person, and more importantly be the person I want my kids to be, because if I'm the type of person I want them to be, then they may follow my lead.

Failure

My hole life I've felt like every one has told me I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I've always been told I'm going to fail, and the worst part is I believe it so I do fail. I still tell my self at least once a day that I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I'm always setting my self up for failure. Today I kept telling my self that I was a bad mother because I can't handle both of my own kids for much more than a few days, I gave up my oldest child not because it was what was best for her, but because I didn't want the responsibility, and maybe it was what was best for her, I'm still not sure, all I know is that I've told every one it was a selfless act because that's what I wanted it to be, but in reality it wasn't I moved to Washington because I was running away from everything I didn't want to deal with I thought I was running away from all my problems and all the "cedar city"  drama, but I've realized that drama is every where, and problems just follow you where ever you go and now, while I'm grateful for the experience and the knowledge that i got from that, I am also ashamed of my self, sometimes I regret keeping Elyssabeth, Sometimes I wish I had adopted her to some one who wanted her and could have taken care of her better, and when I think that I wonder what other people, what my family, would think if I told any of them this? would they tell me its normal and every one feels like that sometimes, or would they shun me for it, or would they forget I ever even said it and move on? I think the late would hurt the most because then who knows what they would be thinking about me, they already are disappointed because I'm a smoker, and because I've had 2 children out of wedlock and I'm still having coitus with someone I'm not married to, none of them say it but i know they all think it, and it hurts to see it in their eyes whats worse is the hypocritical ones of the bunch who are disappointed because they did it at one point in time too!  Every time I make plans for my life any more I almost immediately start doubting it and making fun of it because "I'm a failure", I actually have a really good idea for an energy smoothie, an all natural organic energy drink, that gives you the energy boost from the vitamins and minerals that are good for your body rather than the caffeine and sugar, if you really think about it it is an amassing idea! and when I came up with this idea everyone around me started telling me why it would never work, but why shouldn't it work? I could probably figure it out now with some research and hard work, and my chances of creating one successful enough to market on increases after I get through schooling, but because I'm morgan I can't possibly do it, I'll ruin it, or something like that, because the people who should believe in me don't, it hurts a lot when they say "no just do it the easy way because we don't want you to ruin it"  at very least they could say "you can try it but have the easy way as a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out" that wouldn't hurt nearly as bad...like with the pumpkin pie I offered to make this year for thanks giving, I found a rather easy looking step by step instructions with pictures on how to make one from scratch with an actual pumpkin, and every one said "just do it from the can so you don't ruin it" I don't think any of them realized how much that hurt me it makes me feel like that have absolutely no faith in me it makes me wonder why I'm even trying to go to school? in the time I've been backing I've only ruined something 2 times, the first time was because I simply forgot to oil and flour the pan and the other time, had some one else helping and she kept adding random things mostly more flour because "It didn't look right", and instead of saying "lets just go by the recipe" I said "ok" and sense then I haven't heard the end of it, its been almost a year now and my mom still brings it up any time I bake something...I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she doesn't realize it, but it really really hurts and while I have no problem telling someone when something pisses me off, I have a really hard time telling them it hurts me, I don't know why but I do.      

Childhood

I don't remember a lot of my childhood, some of my earliest memories involve abuse, and yelling, and crying, and a lot of fear, that's what i remember the most is the fear. I remember sitting in a corner with my baby sister while my step father beat my mother in the next room, I remember I invented a special place for us to go when that happened, it was a big field with flowers every where, a small stream with the bluest water you've ever seen, and a big weeping willow where we would sit and have a pick-nick with our Grandpa and every thing was perfect. Some times I still go back to that place and for that moment when I'm their everything is right with the world, and for that moment I'm free, and I'm truly happy. Then that moment is gone and I have to deal with life again. I want to enjoy my life I want to be happy and free like I am in my special place but I know that it is unlikely to ever happen.   

Why...

I'm starting this blog because my therapist wants me to wright in a journal, but writing hurts so I've started to do this blog instead, this is my personal experiences, it is emotional, and deep, I'm not doing this for every one to look at and judge, I'm not worried about what people think about this blog or what I say in it, I'm not interested in a bunch of suggestions, or any of that. This is to help me try to unlock blocked memories and try to "fix" my problems.