working hard or hardly working? perspective...

Some times I fell like Jana and Thearon don't understand who hard it is to do the things I've been doing, it seams like they don't appreciate how tiring it is to do the tings I do, one day I spent 5 hours on my resume, and it still wasn't done, I had a head ache from staring at a computer screen for that long, I hurt all over from sitting in an uncomfortable chair for so long, and when I got home all I wanted to do was sit down with my baby and relax for 10 min minimum, more if at all possible, after dinner I was promptly told to do the dishes and sweep and mop the floor, I did it but I was not happy about it at all, because it hurt me even more, I understand that I do need to help with house work, and I do what I can when I can I usually do things on the weekend, but Jana comes home and complains about how tired she is, and then does not help with the house work because she is to tired and she just wants to relax, and I understand that want, but its like they don't understand that I work just as hard every day and when I get home I would like to do the same thing, it is very hard for me to not want to yell at them when they asked me to do something that is, in my mind, not my responsibility to do, like cleaning up their dishes, after dinner. I'm becoming tired of this place, and I would like to get on my plane to Kansas, the sooner the better, its becoming more and more tiring, I cant wait to have my own place, even when I'm in job corps, I'll have my own space that I can relax if I want to, I can't wait until I get out of here.              

working hard on working hard

About a week ago I started to do a class called Work Success, I spend 40 hours a week doing things for it I spend 32 hours a week in the class and the other 8 hours doing at home things. I am learning a lot of new stuff and although one might think that learning how to get a job would be easy, its really not! yesterday I spent 5 hours working on my resume,  and it was draining, and very hard, you have to word it just right, and really concentrate on specific things for different company's its very complicated, and interesting at the same time. Its been hard dealing with however because Jana gets very up set about having to take me into town every day she says "it's losing me work" although I don't see how, it actually gives her the opportunity to to do more clients in a day, I'm also paying her $200.00 a month for rent and gas, as well as my food stamps, but I'm also expected to help get things for the house, such as paper towels and such, almost as though she doesn't realize that I have to get somethings for me and Dani, I understand that she has been providing for us for a while, but if I spend all my money on thing like paper towels then I'm going to have to ask her to get more important things like diapers, or shampoo for me, and things like that. I feel guilty spending the money I've worked so hard to earn, and that's not right!  sometimes I feel over whelmed, but thanks to the class I'm beginning to be able to help my self through that which is nice.             

Harder and Harder...

The last few days have been difficult for me to not snap at the people around me. We have all been sick the past little bit, and we have all been grumpy, but that is not the main reason for my unspoken bitchiness. Jana and Thearon have spent the last few weeks (since Christmas) trying to convert me back to Mormonism, they keep saying things like "I don't think you have really done the research into other religions" meaning their religion and "if you really follow your heart I think you will find that the Mormon church really is the right choice for you" my problem is that I have done a lot of research and I have listened to my heart and followed it to the pagan path, I don't think they understand what I believe, I don't think they realize that I believe that ALL religions have some truth to them but the truth is misinterpreted and blurred by some rather good story telling, and I don't think they will ever truly understand. another thing is that they know EVERYTHING, they are both amazing cooks which is not true, they are average cooks, they know how to make some good thing but they don't really know everything they could know, they know the proper pronunciation for every word known to man(for instance watching the Tourist and they went to the Gala De Lorentes in the movie they pronounce it ga-la, they quickly informed me that it is actually pronounced g-A-la when in fact if you look it up online it is said to be pronounced ga-la,they know all movies references,actors, and names, they know the best way to shop which is not actually true, they know some things but really they spend a lot more money than they should,it doesn't help that Thearon will say "no I can't think of anything to add to the shopping list" then while shopping adds over $100.00 worth of groceries to the cart that were not calculated into my list and their for making my budget off, and they think that I don't know anything, they are always asking me thing like "how do you play a CD in the DVD player?" which is the same way you play a DVD but you don't need the TV on...but i think the thing that upsets me the most is they they are best parents in the world and everything any one does that is not their way is the wrong way...meaning I am a horrible parent because I have a VERY different parenting style. Jana is also telling me "You should listen to Thearon because I've learned a lot form him." although most of the time he tries to teach me anything either I already know it or hes actually wrong. I'm having a hard time not snapping at them every time they open their mouths and it makes it VERY hard to live with them, it wasn't as bad while he was over seas but now that hes home, it's become very difficult for me, Half the time I'm reluctant to ask if I can take Beth for a weekend because its an extra person, and shes very energetic and it is a little more stressful for me to have her around, I love having her but it is more stressful, and I'm worried that Thearon will have a come apart with her around, hes having a hard enough time having me and Dani around and Beth can be a bit much sometimes, it makes me feel like a bad mother because I'm practically having to neglect my daughter to make Thearon more comfortable. I wish I didn't have to worry about making other people happy, some day I'll have my own place and I'll be able to do what ever I want and not have to worry about making people I live with happy...I can't wait for MY life to start.            

A LOOOONG 2 Months, welcome running out?

Five months ago I asked my cousin if I could stay with her for about 2-3 months while I waited for my Job corps application to go through, she of course was more than happy to have me, she is always ready to take some one in if they need it she has always been a motherly figure for many people, It's been 5 months now and my application is still being reviewed, it was only sent to the proper office a few weeks ago, and even though I've been fighting for Cash assistance for 3 months now, we are just now starting to see some progress with that! Everything is taking longer than I was told it would take, and I'm not happy with it at all, in the 5 months Danica and I have been here the only way we have been able to help is with cleaning and food, the problem now is Thearon is home, and every time I go to do something that I would normally do, like the dishes, he's already done it, so now how do I help?  I feel like now I'm not able to do anything right, in this house, from not helping out enough, to not having the right religion(they have been secretly trying to convert me back to the Mormon church, but its not gonna happen) sometimes, like today, I feel that our welcome has run up, and that we need to get out of this place ASAP, it makes me sad that I've felt this way a lot in the past 3 years, moving from one place to the next having trouble getting a job, and having to rely on other people to get me things for my kids, like diapers, and sometimes even food, and every time I feel it, the thing that no one will actually tell me, but I can feel it, I can feel that feeling I can tell they want me out, doing my own thing, and whats worst is that I try, and I can't find a job and get out of this stupid rut I've been in, it doesn't help that I have to limit my job searches to places within walking distance, because the state of Utah makes it almost impossible for people out of high school to get their license, and its even worse if your a single parent!!!    when I get that feeling I usually start trying to find a new place to "migrate" to, but this time its different, because I have Danica, and I cant just pick up and leave, I have to wait for some sort of news from job corps. I'm scared that they are going to say no, I'm absolutely terrified about what I'll do if they say no, I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do I'll be stuck, and even worse my kid will be stuck with me, its not fair to her to be stuck with me she deserves some one who is moving on, and doing something, I'm scared, my time is running up, and I don't know what to do, I just need some help, and I don't know what kind of help, or where/who to ask it from...I fear I'm almost out of bridges.

Hurry Up & Wait

I've been rather anxious the last few days, Kansas finally got my Job corps application they have it filed and it is in the review process and I should know something by the first week of January, I'm so excited about it! I hate waiting though, I know that it is a vital part of life, some one is always waiting for something, but that doesn't make it any easier, I've never been really good at waiting, especially when what I'm waiting for is something that could be good, I'm ready to be done waiting, I'm ready to be doing something with my life. I feel that I've waited long enough for something like this to happen, and I want to get on a plane for Kansas so that I can start my training! I am glad that I get to spend one more Yule/ Christmas with my friends and family before I go, but I am tired of waiting for it, I'm ready to do something with my life! Something, I hope, Amazing! I can feel in my soul that big things are about to happen for me, and I believe that I am ready for them to happen!  

Changes, My hopes & My Fears

Every one always says their is nothing to fear about change, it is a good thing, and you should embrace change.  But I think that every one says that because they do fear change, change in the world, change in their country, change in their town, change in the people around them, change in their close frineds, and mostly they are afraid of change in them selves, I know I am, I'm torn though because I'm scared that if I change to much my friends and family might not "know" or "like"me ( I put these in quotations because my Friends and family will always know and like me, I'm scared that if I change to much they wont know and like me as much (or in the same way) as they like and know me now), at the same time I'm scared that if I dont change enough then I wont be able to accomplish the things I want to do with my life, so as part of my therpy, and for helping me with my fears I'm going to put in words the person I want to become in the next few years and I hope that it will help me change just the right amount :D

I want to provide the life for my kids that I never had, my mother was a wonderful person, but we were always moving, and I remember way to may nights watching or hearing my mother cry over bills I spent most of my child hood worrying about weather or not we were going to have food or power, or even a home when I got out of school, I think maybe that's why I didn't do so well in school. I want my kids to not have to worry about any of those things, I want to be able to succeed in my career of choice, I want to be confident, I want to be happy with who I am, I want to be able to buy a home that I don't have to be worried if I'm going to be kicked out of, more importantly I don't want my kids to have a "packing plan" like I did most of my life, I always knew how to pack my room and was always ready to do so, so that when mom told us that we were moving I could have my room packed quick enough to help mom do the rest of the house, it was fun in a way moving from place to place, but having to get a new home every 6 months to a year maybe longer if we were lucky and knowing that no matter how much we liked the place that eventually we would have to move to some where else, its rather saddening when you think about it, it may be why I have a problem with stability, could be part of the reason why I don't like to through things away or let things go, because my things were always what made me feel comfortable and safe, my porcelain dolls my most praised possessions, partly because they are from my grandpa who passed away some years ago, but mostly because they have been the most constant thing in my life sense the first day I got my first doll, and I still have them all, except one my angle...not a clue what happened to her both me and my sister had angles, one of them was a tree topper, the other was either just a doll, or some sort of ornament, either way my angle is gone, but I still have all my dolls, I'd like my children to be able to have a room of their own that they can do ANYTHING they want to it and I wont have to worry about it to much, I don't want my kids to have to worry about me and my financials like I worried about my mom and her financial situation, I still worry about my moms financial situation, shes got an amazing opportunity, and I'm scared that she is going to miss out on it because(I believe) shes scared, it would involve her moving to St. George area, but its an amazing job, and if she got it she might be able to BUY a low income house, it would be an amazing opportunity for her, if she would only jump a little faster. I want to become the person that Brian sees every time he looks at me, I can see that person, but I cant quite touch her, and I know that I've got some changing to do to be that, strong, independent, motivated, successful, amazing person, that my wonderful Brian sees in me, I want that girl to shine for every one to see, and I hope that some day I can be that person, and more importantly be the person I want my kids to be, because if I'm the type of person I want them to be, then they may follow my lead.

Failure

My hole life I've felt like every one has told me I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I've always been told I'm going to fail, and the worst part is I believe it so I do fail. I still tell my self at least once a day that I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I'm always setting my self up for failure. Today I kept telling my self that I was a bad mother because I can't handle both of my own kids for much more than a few days, I gave up my oldest child not because it was what was best for her, but because I didn't want the responsibility, and maybe it was what was best for her, I'm still not sure, all I know is that I've told every one it was a selfless act because that's what I wanted it to be, but in reality it wasn't I moved to Washington because I was running away from everything I didn't want to deal with I thought I was running away from all my problems and all the "cedar city"  drama, but I've realized that drama is every where, and problems just follow you where ever you go and now, while I'm grateful for the experience and the knowledge that i got from that, I am also ashamed of my self, sometimes I regret keeping Elyssabeth, Sometimes I wish I had adopted her to some one who wanted her and could have taken care of her better, and when I think that I wonder what other people, what my family, would think if I told any of them this? would they tell me its normal and every one feels like that sometimes, or would they shun me for it, or would they forget I ever even said it and move on? I think the late would hurt the most because then who knows what they would be thinking about me, they already are disappointed because I'm a smoker, and because I've had 2 children out of wedlock and I'm still having coitus with someone I'm not married to, none of them say it but i know they all think it, and it hurts to see it in their eyes whats worse is the hypocritical ones of the bunch who are disappointed because they did it at one point in time too!  Every time I make plans for my life any more I almost immediately start doubting it and making fun of it because "I'm a failure", I actually have a really good idea for an energy smoothie, an all natural organic energy drink, that gives you the energy boost from the vitamins and minerals that are good for your body rather than the caffeine and sugar, if you really think about it it is an amassing idea! and when I came up with this idea everyone around me started telling me why it would never work, but why shouldn't it work? I could probably figure it out now with some research and hard work, and my chances of creating one successful enough to market on increases after I get through schooling, but because I'm morgan I can't possibly do it, I'll ruin it, or something like that, because the people who should believe in me don't, it hurts a lot when they say "no just do it the easy way because we don't want you to ruin it"  at very least they could say "you can try it but have the easy way as a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out" that wouldn't hurt nearly as bad...like with the pumpkin pie I offered to make this year for thanks giving, I found a rather easy looking step by step instructions with pictures on how to make one from scratch with an actual pumpkin, and every one said "just do it from the can so you don't ruin it" I don't think any of them realized how much that hurt me it makes me feel like that have absolutely no faith in me it makes me wonder why I'm even trying to go to school? in the time I've been backing I've only ruined something 2 times, the first time was because I simply forgot to oil and flour the pan and the other time, had some one else helping and she kept adding random things mostly more flour because "It didn't look right", and instead of saying "lets just go by the recipe" I said "ok" and sense then I haven't heard the end of it, its been almost a year now and my mom still brings it up any time I bake something...I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she doesn't realize it, but it really really hurts and while I have no problem telling someone when something pisses me off, I have a really hard time telling them it hurts me, I don't know why but I do.