Monday, November 14, 2011
Failure
My hole life I've felt like every one has told me I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I've always been told I'm going to fail, and the worst part is I believe it so I do fail. I still tell my self at least once a day that I'm not good enough, or I can't do it, I'm always setting my self up for failure. Today I kept telling my self that I was a bad mother because I can't handle both of my own kids for much more than a few days, I gave up my oldest child not because it was what was best for her, but because I didn't want the responsibility, and maybe it was what was best for her, I'm still not sure, all I know is that I've told every one it was a selfless act because that's what I wanted it to be, but in reality it wasn't I moved to Washington because I was running away from everything I didn't want to deal with I thought I was running away from all my problems and all the "cedar city" drama, but I've realized that drama is every where, and problems just follow you where ever you go and now, while I'm grateful for the experience and the knowledge that i got from that, I am also ashamed of my self, sometimes I regret keeping Elyssabeth, Sometimes I wish I had adopted her to some one who wanted her and could have taken care of her better, and when I think that I wonder what other people, what my family, would think if I told any of them this? would they tell me its normal and every one feels like that sometimes, or would they shun me for it, or would they forget I ever even said it and move on? I think the late would hurt the most because then who knows what they would be thinking about me, they already are disappointed because I'm a smoker, and because I've had 2 children out of wedlock and I'm still having coitus with someone I'm not married to, none of them say it but i know they all think it, and it hurts to see it in their eyes whats worse is the hypocritical ones of the bunch who are disappointed because they did it at one point in time too! Every time I make plans for my life any more I almost immediately start doubting it and making fun of it because "I'm a failure", I actually have a really good idea for an energy smoothie, an all natural organic energy drink, that gives you the energy boost from the vitamins and minerals that are good for your body rather than the caffeine and sugar, if you really think about it it is an amassing idea! and when I came up with this idea everyone around me started telling me why it would never work, but why shouldn't it work? I could probably figure it out now with some research and hard work, and my chances of creating one successful enough to market on increases after I get through schooling, but because I'm morgan I can't possibly do it, I'll ruin it, or something like that, because the people who should believe in me don't, it hurts a lot when they say "no just do it the easy way because we don't want you to ruin it" at very least they could say "you can try it but have the easy way as a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out" that wouldn't hurt nearly as bad...like with the pumpkin pie I offered to make this year for thanks giving, I found a rather easy looking step by step instructions with pictures on how to make one from scratch with an actual pumpkin, and every one said "just do it from the can so you don't ruin it" I don't think any of them realized how much that hurt me it makes me feel like that have absolutely no faith in me it makes me wonder why I'm even trying to go to school? in the time I've been backing I've only ruined something 2 times, the first time was because I simply forgot to oil and flour the pan and the other time, had some one else helping and she kept adding random things mostly more flour because "It didn't look right", and instead of saying "lets just go by the recipe" I said "ok" and sense then I haven't heard the end of it, its been almost a year now and my mom still brings it up any time I bake something...I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she doesn't realize it, but it really really hurts and while I have no problem telling someone when something pisses me off, I have a really hard time telling them it hurts me, I don't know why but I do.
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I'm sorry you're so sad and carrying around so much. It's hard. I don't encounter the same problems necessarily, but in my family, we have plenty of our own horrid issues **thinks of my own blog and how my mother F.R.E.A.K.E.D. when I started sharing what she'd rather see kept secret.**
ReplyDeleteI'm still expecting, I know, but I'm willing to say it's normal to question if you want a child or not. I love Alex dearly. I most certainly don't intend to give him up, but I got pregnant right around the same time I found I was struggling to keep up with my daycare class and found out within a week of intending to go back on birth control. I said something about this and was greeted with very inappropriate responses from friends and family... I don't think there is a thing wrong with questioning. I don't know that there's anything wrong with giving up a child if you really feel you can't do it. You may see it as selfish, but by default it's still selfless because in the end, does the child have a better life? If you had kept her and were miserable and stressed and burdened all the time, what kind of life would that have been for Beth or for you? Sometimes we may not have the best motives, but we can still make the best decisions even if they seem secondary.
As for being told you can't, again, I'm sorry. I was never really told I can't...well...ok, not all the time, but I was frequently critiqued for all of the reasons I wasn't good enough from only getting and A, not an A+, to not making eye contact when I sang and facing my mom and her husband scowling in the crowd--this is the last time I even sang without stage fright--to how I could make such beautiful food but the potatoes are too lumpy or the meat is over seasoned or how I made too little, or it was different last time... You feel like shit. Being mad at someone for making you feel this way is the easy part. Simply put: you don't have to be very vulnerable to be mad. To express that you're hurt though means that you're opening yourself up to not only saying what is painful, but the potential of a bad reaction that makes that pain more profound when someone says "But it's true and this, this, and this is why" regardless of if they speak the truth. Something my therapist told me a while ago was that many times when people behave like this and tell us how awful and inadequate we are, it's because they are projecting what they feel about themselves. I wholeheartedly believe this. It doesn't ease our pain much, but to consider that does open a new door for us where we can have some compassion or sympathy for those people and learn to either address the issue with our counselors on how to safely breach the topic with that family member/friend in a non-judgemental way, or in more extreme cases (sadly, this is where it is with my mother after nearly a decade of counseling for me) how to start to pull away from a relationship that continues to be very toxic to us and harmful. That is something I wish on no one though, so I hope you get to do the former....the latter feels like ripping a piece of yourself out because in some ways, that's exactly what you're doing...
And by the way, I think you should try to make the pumpkin pie from scratch. I've never tried it, so I have no idea how difficult it is so I would certainly suggest back up so you can be like "Whatever, it didn't work this time, I'll try it again but for now eat your stupid canned pumpkin pie" if it doesn't come out right. If it does though: total bragging rights :p Just kidding, but you'll feel better for doing it, and even if it doesn't go well, what's the worst that happens? You realize "well...shit, next time I should do THIS different" and you get to throw the pumpkin goop at Brain for fun :p
Okay, first off, I don't give a rat's ass if you smoke. It's your body & your decision. Would I rather see you not doing it? Sure, but I'm definitely not judging you for it.
ReplyDeleteHaving 2 kids without being married? So what? Everyone does it, it happens. I did it. Your mom did it. My dad still judges me for it 23 years later.
Sex without marriage? Again, who cares? It's your vagina, and you're married, just not to Brian lol
You never told me about the smoothie. I think it sounds great. Would it be pre-packaged or what?
The pie.. well, I heard about it, but I didn'tthink you couldn't do it. I just, myself, wouldn't want to go to the extra trouble of cooking the pumpkin and dealing with it before I could ever even make the pie, but it's your time & your life. If you want to do that, do it. If they don't like it, more pie for you.
The kids. I'm sorry that you think we'd all judge you for your feelings. I often wonder if having mine was the right choice, considering all of their various problems. I wonder if I should have given up on Erin & allowed him to be adopted by his foster family. I question my choice in giving Garrett up. I tell myself it was in his best interest, and part of it was because I thought he'd be better off, but mostly he wasn't.
I knew why you gave Beth to Roger, and honestly, she has a damned good life & no matter the reasons for it, it was the right choice for her. I knew why you went to Washington, too, and I knew you'd be back when you figured it out.
I'm sorry you feel like I'm hypocritical and judging you, I can't change what you think, but with those statements, you are, in fact, judging me. I do try very hard to practice what I preach, but I'm human and have failed, more than a few times. Judging you for your personal choices though? I haven't done it. I do, occasionally judge you based on your treatment of me and other people.