Hurry Up & Wait

I've been rather anxious the last few days, Kansas finally got my Job corps application they have it filed and it is in the review process and I should know something by the first week of January, I'm so excited about it! I hate waiting though, I know that it is a vital part of life, some one is always waiting for something, but that doesn't make it any easier, I've never been really good at waiting, especially when what I'm waiting for is something that could be good, I'm ready to be done waiting, I'm ready to be doing something with my life. I feel that I've waited long enough for something like this to happen, and I want to get on a plane for Kansas so that I can start my training! I am glad that I get to spend one more Yule/ Christmas with my friends and family before I go, but I am tired of waiting for it, I'm ready to do something with my life! Something, I hope, Amazing! I can feel in my soul that big things are about to happen for me, and I believe that I am ready for them to happen!  

Changes, My hopes & My Fears

Every one always says their is nothing to fear about change, it is a good thing, and you should embrace change.  But I think that every one says that because they do fear change, change in the world, change in their country, change in their town, change in the people around them, change in their close frineds, and mostly they are afraid of change in them selves, I know I am, I'm torn though because I'm scared that if I change to much my friends and family might not "know" or "like"me ( I put these in quotations because my Friends and family will always know and like me, I'm scared that if I change to much they wont know and like me as much (or in the same way) as they like and know me now), at the same time I'm scared that if I dont change enough then I wont be able to accomplish the things I want to do with my life, so as part of my therpy, and for helping me with my fears I'm going to put in words the person I want to become in the next few years and I hope that it will help me change just the right amount :D

I want to provide the life for my kids that I never had, my mother was a wonderful person, but we were always moving, and I remember way to may nights watching or hearing my mother cry over bills I spent most of my child hood worrying about weather or not we were going to have food or power, or even a home when I got out of school, I think maybe that's why I didn't do so well in school. I want my kids to not have to worry about any of those things, I want to be able to succeed in my career of choice, I want to be confident, I want to be happy with who I am, I want to be able to buy a home that I don't have to be worried if I'm going to be kicked out of, more importantly I don't want my kids to have a "packing plan" like I did most of my life, I always knew how to pack my room and was always ready to do so, so that when mom told us that we were moving I could have my room packed quick enough to help mom do the rest of the house, it was fun in a way moving from place to place, but having to get a new home every 6 months to a year maybe longer if we were lucky and knowing that no matter how much we liked the place that eventually we would have to move to some where else, its rather saddening when you think about it, it may be why I have a problem with stability, could be part of the reason why I don't like to through things away or let things go, because my things were always what made me feel comfortable and safe, my porcelain dolls my most praised possessions, partly because they are from my grandpa who passed away some years ago, but mostly because they have been the most constant thing in my life sense the first day I got my first doll, and I still have them all, except one my angle...not a clue what happened to her both me and my sister had angles, one of them was a tree topper, the other was either just a doll, or some sort of ornament, either way my angle is gone, but I still have all my dolls, I'd like my children to be able to have a room of their own that they can do ANYTHING they want to it and I wont have to worry about it to much, I don't want my kids to have to worry about me and my financials like I worried about my mom and her financial situation, I still worry about my moms financial situation, shes got an amazing opportunity, and I'm scared that she is going to miss out on it because(I believe) shes scared, it would involve her moving to St. George area, but its an amazing job, and if she got it she might be able to BUY a low income house, it would be an amazing opportunity for her, if she would only jump a little faster. I want to become the person that Brian sees every time he looks at me, I can see that person, but I cant quite touch her, and I know that I've got some changing to do to be that, strong, independent, motivated, successful, amazing person, that my wonderful Brian sees in me, I want that girl to shine for every one to see, and I hope that some day I can be that person, and more importantly be the person I want my kids to be, because if I'm the type of person I want them to be, then they may follow my lead.